I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.