@BlakWidowBarbee: Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.
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@nonsensetwit: If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.
@SteveSackington: If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?
@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see