Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
How dude HOW?!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit