Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.