My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.