“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!