“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
the official breakfast of 2021
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*