*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I鈥檓 social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I鈥檇 just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
time for some seasonal decor
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I鈥檝e eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can鈥檛 believe he hasn鈥檛 dropped his ice cream.
[date]
HER: I鈥檓 studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Pandas 馃惣馃枻
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”