@weinerdog4life: *releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..
@Henry_3k: Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: "Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?"
@kentgrossarth: I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend's bedroom. I can't believe she's a super hero.