*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You Might Also Like
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.