*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
reviewed some movies recently
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Jupiter
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My favorite farside!!
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*