Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
You Might Also Like
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Science memes
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.