Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog