Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“I FIXED IT!”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
In case you needed to hear it:
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.