If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
who wants to go expliring
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/