me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Look at this
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.