I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.