@Bob_Lesh: Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace "Jesus" with "Jeff"
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@MrWordsWorth: Sarah Palin isn't racist. Some of her white friends' best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?
@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline. *black eye forming Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.