@Bob_Lesh: Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace "Jesus" with "Jeff"
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@AngelaEhh: Why are people giving something up for lint? I'm sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
@jimmytorosian: An excerpt from my self help book, "How to Get Rich Quick" Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick The End
@WheelTod: [Staring at bedroom ceiling] Her:Don't worry. It happens to every guy Me:Not to me it doesn't! *resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.