@Bob_Lesh: Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace "Jesus" with "Jeff"
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@TheMichaelRock: Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary? People that would use said word can't read.
@sixfootcandy: Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job.
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.