Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate