Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Nice try Hitler
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.