Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Saturday
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.