@TechnicallyRon: Remember at school when you would press 'demo' on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That's what adulthood is.
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@Sassafrantz: Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.
@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage
@LipLush1: 911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"