I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]