Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
There’s only one good girl here!
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?