Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.