Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
What kind of a cult is this?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…