@YoungNobler: Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
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@furbyburglar: I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@jonnysun: [throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond] "HEY! NO LITERING--" shh wait [a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]