Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.