Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.