Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.