Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Ain鈥檛 no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he鈥檚 taking.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it鈥檚 grass fed
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don鈥檛 say?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = 拢2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 馃檪 = 拢50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn鈥檛 turn me on about that?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: On today鈥檚 episode of Inside the Actor鈥檚 Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
4: Mommy I鈥檓 sorry but you鈥檙e going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I鈥檒l sit right here while you shower
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.