Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Overindulged this afternoon.