Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool