You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.