So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?