Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”