Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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#parenting
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing