Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
i’m laughing very hard in real life