@heymonroe: Remember in 90's movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That's what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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@amazymay72x: My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.
@mattZillaaaa: I was really upset today but then a friend said "don't be upset" so now I'm not upset anymore
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves
@vineyille: "Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."