Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Does beer think about me too?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
So glad we cleared that up
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz