Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
my professor scared me for a second
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi