Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I hate when that happens.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Denise please return my vape pen
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Ugh but profoundly
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….