Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket