Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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is it earth
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Is….Is this an option?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Great Canadian literature.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.