Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.