Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
my mind
You just read my mind
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show