Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Is your wife single?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?