Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.