Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Beware of fowl play.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face