@WheelTod: Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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@Beardson: These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.
@yonewt: Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.