@jordan_stratton: Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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@: A student emailed me, profusely apologizing for getting my name wrong at the top of their paper, and I was like, “Thanks, whatever, nbd.” Then I got to their paper and saw their instructor was “Professor whats his nuts”
@LeBearGirdle: Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice
@Ooft_Headshot: Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
@KalvinMacleod: CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice