@jordan_stratton: Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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@SatansTongue: *el chapo dies* God: okay I'm gonna have to send you to hell Chapo: ok *3 weeks later* Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
@MoistPork: Just once, I'd ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I'm driving, especially considering I've had 12 beers.
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle