Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it