Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
You Might Also Like
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
New menu item
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken