Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: